Whispers of a Dream
Type: Fan Fictions
Series: My Brother, My Brother
Preceding: I've Come Home
Succeeding: Hold a Little Tighter
"He mourns for his brother..."
Thor jolted awake, lying on his bed still fully dressed, his cape bunched up around his shoulders. He couldn't remember having fallen asleep. He only vaguely remembered stumbling back into his room late the previous evening, probably drunk. He'd definitely been miserable.
There was a deafening silence. He blinked and a tear made its way down his face. He had dreamed of his brother again. He subconsciously touched a finger to his wrist where Loki's helmet was carved into the armor. He had done it by hand a few days after Loki had fallen into the abyss. It had taken him hours and he had refused help.
He stared at the empty ceiling blankly as more tears rolled off his face. Weeks had passed since Loki had let go now, and Thor was desperately trying to maintain the image that although he was still sad, he was fine. Inside he felt as though he was falling apart. At the worst moments, things he had said and done, or should have said and should have done flickered into his mind, filling him with doubt and grief that had he tried more, had he given Loki more kind words, his brother would still be here.
He dreamed of his brother most nights still. He avoided social contact and he only talked to Odin as necessary after he had told Thor of Loki's true Jotun bloodline. Though Loki's lack of self belief all made sickening clarity now, it still did not make him feel any better about how he had treated his brother in the past. His brother. He should have tried harder. He should have done more. He should have stood up to the bullies better. He should have done a thousand other things. He shouldn't have let Loki go.
And yet. Loki had known that he'd tried. Loki had known that he had tried to be a good brother and a good friend. It was Loki who had not shown the kindness back. Thor had loved Loki, and had he been able to save him, he would have done. He'd have jumped into the abyss without hesitation if it was to save his brother.
The imprint of Loki's face as he fell was burnt into Thor's mind. Loki had called him a hundred names before, a million ways of saying "I hate you, you arrogant fool" and yet Thor always went back, always forgave him. Why? He told Loki he forgave him and loved him every time, and got pushed away. Maybe he was not the problem after all. Perhaps if his words had gotten through Loki's thick skull then he would be alive now.
Thor sighed. He could try to convince himself Loki's hatred was justified but it would not stop him loving his brother. Mourning him. Remembering him every night. He knew he could never really stop blaming himself and that the little voice telling him to stop being a foolish boy would always be Loki's.
Fragments of his dream washed over him, the memory bitty. The scene was the same as ever. Ice blue. Loki. Jotun Loki, with piercing red eyes. Sad red eyes. Then he was next to Thor, both of them floating, watching as the scene unfolded. Thor watched as Loki let go.
The Jotun whispered "I am a monster, why do you mourn me so?"
"You are my brother, not a monster."
"But aren't the Frost Giants all monsters? You who would slay them all?"
"No, no, I couldn't watch you die... I can't..."
"Watch me fall, brother..." The blue turned to black and Loki faded away once more from Thor's sight.
"No, no, please..."
An empty sob filled the empty room.