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Field of Innocence

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Field of Innocence

Author: Leopardclaw
Type: Songfic
Rating: Moderate
Status: Complete



A Loki songfic. Italics are lyrics. Song is Field of Innocence by Evanescence.


I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Now I know the truth: that I am nothing more than a piece in Odin's games, never loved, never seen as worthy. Never seen as his son. I remember being a child, I remember the time when both Thor and I were as equal as we've ever been. And as we grew up he became strong and mighty and loved and I became nothing more than a trickster, good at nothing but magic and always shadowed by Thor.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

How I wish I did not know the truth. The truth that I am a monster. I wish I had not been so bitter to Thor and tried to interrupt him becoming king. I wish my heart had not become cold and hard as I grew up, I wish I had not been clouded by feelings of inferiority. I don't want to be in this world where I truly am a monster, and not just imagined to be so.

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

I remember days as a child, fighting with Thor, with my brother; I remember days free from jealousy and anger, free from the hatred that consumes me now. Just as the ice that flows through my veins is cold, the sunlight of happiness, the bliss of ignorance has frozen over. Blue as my skin is truly blue.

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

It might as well be a stranger's eyes I look out from now. Now what cold heart I had is shattered; fragmented by a thousand lies, a thousand feelings of jealousy, anger, bitterness, despair. I could have known what I was from the start, but Odin's selfishness stopped him telling me, allowed him to use me as "his son". Not his son, but his lies.

Iesu, Rex admirabilis
et triumphator nobilis
dulcedo ineffabilis
totus desiderabilis

"Jesus, admirable king
And noble conqueror
Ineffable sweetness
Altogether lovely"

As the years pass by
Before my face
As wars rage before me
Finding myself
In these last days of existence
This parasite inside me
I forced it out
In the darkness of the storm
Lies an evil
But it's me

Me. I'm the monster. I'm the evil creature that every being learns to fear. It's me. In my sacrifice I have stopped them from seeing the beast beneath. It is released into me and even the wildest storm cannot tame it. The evil is free. The war in my mind fights between the evil planted there by the tortures of Thanos; between the part of me that loves Thor and loves Asgard; between me.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh where, where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything

My heart has been burnt out by Thanos, by the cruelness he inflicted on my mind. My mind is not my own, it is a battlefield ravaged by conflict. His control has gone, but now I am as if a puppet with cut strings. I am empty. Within me calls a voice that whispers Thor, whispers that I am loved by him. How can I be? I tried to destroy him, to break him, to take the world he loved and kill him inside and out. He cannot love me any longer, not I who is a monster. The monster Odin tried to hide with lies. The monster that is now empty and unloved for eternity.

Alone.

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